The road less travelled...

Having been on the road for the best part of two weeks 3xl came back a little battered and weary, from his travels and labors. It is never easy to be a male model and all the photo shoots really do drain the emotions.... Okay just kidding. Lets be honest, 3xl is more likely to figure as a Farmers Weekly model in an article on livestock, rather than doing exotic photoshoots, in beautiful places.

No, 3xl has been hitting the stratosphere and sweating in shiny tubes above the earth because that is what he does in order to be with the ones that he works with most, the Azerbaijanis. Do not worry if you have never heard of them, most Americans have not, but to Mr and Mrs 3xl they hold a special place in our heart.

Now just because of that it does not mean that we are not sometimes fraught with the realities of life in diferent places and there is nothing like a bit of cultural comparison to make you miss what you have and perhaps sardonically enjoy what you visit.

Azerbaijan is in the midst of many changes and upheavals. Some of these are obscured, deep seated mindset changes as cultures collide and the sattelite sneaks in to each home unawares, and some of them are as surface clear as the roads and buildings springing up everywhere. There is almost literally no stone left unturned in Baku, the capital, as the money launderers, property speculators and government facilitators transform the city center for better or for worse into their own best vision of the future, and with no ulterior motives whatsoever.

For the last 14 years upon arriving at the airport I have been met by either dear friends or vulture like taxi drivers, and so I know the drill. You look for a friendly face, or you gather a bunch of taxi drivers around and make them bid for you to get the lowest price. Establish that, and then pick the scrawniest looking one of the bunch, just in case!!!

Then, one proceeds out of the terminal to whatever awaits you in the parking lot. It could be an off its best Mercedes(mercy days), maybe even a more recent Korean import, (Hi and Die or Die You), but more likely, it is going to be some manifestation of post soviet car restoration project, such as a Jiguli (Jiggely)or a Niva (Never!) and who the heck can spell Zaparojitz anyway. in fact one mechanic once said to me that it was the greenest car on the planet, as it is recycled every five years.... I think he missed something in translation or he was mocking me...whatever.

These relics of a time long forgotten, would be unlikely to pass an existence test, let alone an emissions test and they have the carbon footprint of Saskwatch both in the car, as well as out of it. In the Land Of Az, car restoration is not the hobby and domain of the good ole boys in the workshop out back, it is vital.

Our first car in Azerbaijan was a 1975 Nol Alti (Number 6) which was in its 5th manifestation. Yes Azeri cars are all Hindus. They die and come back in another form, usually every five years when they fall apart and are rebuilt. Sadly I have not as yet seen one return as a ferrari, but when it does, you will be the first to know. In fact these Jigulis must be bad, because they all come back looking the same.

One tug on the door handle, will tell you that one tug on the door handle is not enough. You need to disassemble rather than open this door, and as you do, the window falls down or out. As the door opens, it drops an inch or two, and no this is not a design element. As the starter motor whinnies like a horse with a sugar cube stuck in its trachea, before catching and bringing the motor sputtering in to life, all four, make that three, cylinders lurch in to some kind of juddering half life. A few quick stabs on the gas pedal and away we go hopefully, the dashboard dark in the night, the lights turned on and off to save the battery and the car shimmying from side to side as the words roll, yaw, shudder and screech come to mind. The tires are all homages to Vin Diesel's hair style, and traction is what you will be in, soon after it rains, not what they have in common with the road.

So off we go down the road but this time something is different. After 14 years of turning right out of the aiport road, imagine my disquiet, culture stress, and not a little terror as we proceeded to drive straight on, right through where the funky welcome to Baku monument used to be. in shock and awe I was brought to a stunning realization. The first Azerbaijani freeway has finally arrived.

For those who have never had the delight of travel in Azerbaijan, this will be hard to understand or appreciate, but roads in Az are different. You have at most, two lanes, and each one has its own traffic calming features, or chassis destroying, tire shredding, wheel bending features as we prefer to call them. Az roads have frequent places where nice friendly policemen wait with little striped sticks which they point at you, to say stop.

They have wonderful hand held speed cameras that do not work, always set to show ridiculously high speeds(is it possible for a Jiguli to do 200KPH?), just to get negotiations started, on the fine he can get away with(special expedited fee discounts for cash and no receipt). You see if he comes down from the heady heights of the speed that the machine says you were travelling, he gets to look like a nice reasonable guy and you get to pay him less than MRSP(Maximum Ripoff Set by Police), avoid points on your licence, and be on your way.

In fact when 3xl first came to this fun land, there were checkpoints and barriers every few miles and that was really a pain, but a great little earner for the road police.

You see if there are freeways you can not wait by the road and pull someone over with a little striped stick, so a whole segment of a valuable cottage industry is now being eradicated in the name of progress. Breaks your heart it does... But fear not, they have "Gatzos" now, so we do not need little police men and there is no real arguing with a letter in the post from a robot camera.

It is hard to over emphasize the pleasure I felt of waddling allowing on the new fast road in our Nol Dort(Number 4), and meandering accross the lanes to compensate for a missing shock and we were in to town 15 minutes quicker, wow, three lane concrete roads.

Soon they will be all over the land and times will be cut in half for travel and after the initial period of 'acceptable losses' as old cars fall apart, at speeds they have previously not seen before, and find that their brakes were not up to, we will have a new day of travel in Az, A Brave New World.

Thank goodness the president's wife owns the concrete company to ensure that we would have enough concrete for this massive reconstruction. Now there is forethought... No wonder she is called Mehriban...friendly!

Of course it is not all fun in the meantime though. I mean why wait, lets do the whole place at once...before the elections so we can be appreciated properly. Why mess around with a staggered construction project that minimizes disruption, when you can tear up all the roads at once and get it done quicker. You know these kind leaders get things done quickly, especially when public opinion is a little muted round here.

What does this mean for the pampered traveller though ?

In short, it means free vibro masage treatments for every auto traveller heading out of Baku, (does the kindness of these people never end?) In fact they have built in a de-stressing, relaxation element in to the whole adventure of travel now. Instead of frantically rushing to be at your destination, emergency appointment, vital business meeting, scene of the accident, you can take your time, cut your speed in half, enjoy the vigorous shaking and bouncing of our fully featured stone track. You know the way they promote these things, "slow down, relax take your time, you deserve it..." (and...complaining is futile in any case)

Also, did I mention the built in exfoliation features for the skin if you leave your window open in the stifling heat. All inclusive, on any trip out of Baku, you can have those distinguishing facial features and blemishes sandblasted away, as you stick your head out of the window to see where the road went, and to avoid the construction traffic looming out of the dust storm. Travelling by your side though, you can be encouraged by the government cars, kindly modelling for you, just how good it wil be as they speed past you on the newly completed section of the road you are not allowed to use, or ...

the road less travelled.